Janai Church
English 100 April 20, 2017 This wasn't a day that I could simply forget. Emotionally those 24 hours stood out to me. Everything started off so slow that day. I was supposed to be to work at seven in the morning, however my mind was quicker than my body. I continuously pressed on the snooze button of my alarm, not once opening my eyes. My daughter Taylor’s voice grew silent as she called me from a distance. I was physically and mentally drained. The realization that I would be late to work creeps into my mind. Just knowing I was never one to be late for work but today my record would change. I causally force myself up from my bed. Minutes after I called my job. Peggy, who happened to be my supervisor picked up. Me and her were never the best of friends but this is business therefore I respected her enough to explain that I'll be late on this morning. Peggy understood my situation regardless of our personal relationship and she was nothing short of being professional surprisingly. I have one daughter named Taylor. I have to wake her up and get her prepared for school. Taylor often gives me a hard time before leaving for school but today she was up bright and early. Seeing my little girl smiling at me, made my day better. As I began greeting my baby girl, the loud ringing of the doorbell startled me. It wasn’t that I was afraid. I wasn’t expecting anyone, I was caught off guard. I sometimes think of the worst things when under stress. I automatically begin thinking “what could be wrong?” I slightly open the door,cautiously not knowing who’s on the other side, to my surprise it's my mom. She looked worried, she had been calling me, sending text messages. When she realized I wasn’t answering she rushed over to my place. My mom often dropped Taylor off to school for me because I had to be to work before she school started. I would drop her off to my mom, I understood her worry, I did. I felt completely sick knowing I was the cause of my mother's worry. I was the cause of her temporary panic and I hated it. I embraced her with love. Hugging her with so much force. I looked her in the eye to see a steady calmness in her eyes. As she entered through the doorway she kissed Taylor on the forehead, than continued upstairs. She called for Taylor to follow her. The realization that I had to focus .When I say my mother never let me down. She he never let me down! Whenever I needed her she was always there for me. Maybe it was because I was her only daughter. It doesn’t matter however. My mother always made everything okay. It’s the little things that matters most and I appreciate her for all that shes does for us. All good things come to an end. My mother was like wonder women, she could do anything. However everyone has a weakness and my mother’s just so happened to have dialysis. When I tell you that I’ve never felt so betrayed before in my life. I mean ever. Imagine leaving home, saying goodbye and expecting to see someone by the end of the day. It hurts to receive a phone call that you least expected. My mother called me herself, she told me she didn't feel right and she needed to go to the hospital. Pain, my mother was in pain. I entered the hospital in a slight panic. I wanted to remain calm in this situation. The nurse approached me. I asked “ Can I see my mother, Her names, Joyce Church.” she replied “I’m sorry miss, you’ll have to wait in the waiting room.” At that moment I couldn’t just stay here, I had to keep myself busy. I went to far out in the city to finish shopping on Good Friday. It was nothing good about this day however. The next call I received was nothing I could prepare myself for. Shocked, I felt so shocked. Nurse, “ Is this Ms.Church?” I replied “ Yes. Did something happen?” Nurse, “ Could you please come in?” I answered “ I'm a distance but I'll be there as soon as I can.” The call ended. Soon after my brother called me. I knew once I received a phone call from him. I knew deep inside myself the truth. It was a truth I refused to expect. After a while I finally made it to the hospital and everyone was already there. I slowly approach my brother with tears already dropping my eyes. It wasn't tears from my eyes, embodying my cheeks. It was tears from my heart, covering my soul. The most painful tears are these. These tears that you can't help but. But you want to fall hoping that you'll feel less pain afterwards. It’s almost unbearable, for someone to be that important it's almost as if a part of me died. A part of me did die that day with my mother, April 10, 2009. I'll never forget. I'll never forget the day I lost my home. I lost my foundation. I sometimes wonder how my life would be if I still had my mother. I sometimes wonder how my daughter felt to have lost someone so important. Everyday my daughter would see her. Then just like that, she’s gone. She's gone forever. I realize I went into a full on panic attack because I awake in a hospital bed with my brothers eyes staring holes into mine with the deep emotion of that worry, sadness and annoyance. Instantly I felt selfish. My mothers here in the hospital when am I panicking. My brother begins to speak. “ I'm sorry, Name.” I replied “ Why are you sorry?” He answer “ Mom. She didn't make it.” I replied “ I know.” Hours pass by and I'm still in the hospital but I'm alone. My brother took my daughter home with him, they deserve to rest he said. I didn't argue, I would never want my daughter to sit overnight in a hospital. I reply what happened in the last 10 hours over and over again. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop thinking and honestly I didn't want to stop thinking. My mother isn't coming home. My mother isn't here with me anymore. I felt the wetness on my face. I'm feeling so hurt. I'm hurt really really bad. Physical I am tired. Mentally I'm drained. Emotionally I'm damaged. Broken I'm so broken. I fall asleep after crying for what seemed like forever. I remember the good times. I could never forget the good times I tell you. My mother was something special. I remember we would just sit in her room and laugh. Nothing else mattered because we were happy. Happiness it's hard to be happy in this life. I feel relief in a way. I feel relieved because I know my mom is not feeling pain anymore. My mom is finally set free without worry. Even though I feel relief I still feel pain. I still feel the need for her. I would do anything just to see my mom's beautiful smile again. I would do anything just to hear my mom's laugh one last time. My mom was a church going woman. I would never forget waking up Sunday mornings to go to church. My mom taught me how to pray. I'm thankful for that because during this time in my life I'd be nowhere without prayer. My mom's funeral was beautiful. I say beautiful because it was truly beautiful. Although it was a sad occasion, it was a scenery that spoke volumes. So many people came out to show respect and love for my mother and support me and my family through this period of grievance. Even though I don't know everyone, my mother taught me to have respect for others, especially when these people are here to support me through my hardship. After the funeral I went to be with my family. I had been distance during the time after my mom's death leading up to the funereal. I realized that during that time I should have been with my family. I was going through a lot and honestly I'm glad I decided to spend that time with my family. It's been a year since my mom’s death and I'm doing much better now. I still feel the pain of my mom’s death but I'm able to control my emotions. My family decided to have a family cookout in recognition of my mom. It was a celebration of life, one's life that was joyful. A life that was respected. A person that was loved by everyone. My family had got shirts made not only to represent my mom’s death but a life well lived. It's been 8 years since my mom’s death. I'm now 28. I'm in school studying nursing. My mom’s death once made me lose hope to do anything but with time I've healed. My mom would be so proud of me for the accomplishments I've made. Although I still feel that undying pain. That part that I've lost because of my mom's death will forever be left a void however I'm happy. I have my daughters and I'm working on saving lives each day so no one has to feel the pain I feel. Not alone at least.
1 Comment
Sabatino
4/25/2017 12:53:31 pm
I am sorry for your loss. It takes guts to write about something so painful; so I appreciate your willingnes to travel back to such a difficult time in your life.
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